So I’ve run out of every excuse in the book to drink. And smoke. It almost hurts my head to think about it I can feel the intense anxiety trying to make its way back into my body to disrupt me to make me fall again back into old habits just kick the habit. See my drinking was never really that bad from the outside but to me it was terrible answer me the things I would say and do we’re not me at all but they were. I can’t blame it on his spirits or demons or a double or the devil and being self conscience actually works out to be able to observe yourself and get the right perspective on what is happening inside of you and outside of you and being aware of your surroundings and aware of your strengths and weaknesses. One of my weaknesses obviously is my family and a sense that I had to better understand them and I couldn’t beat them so I join them. But that’s an old excuse an old experiment a successful ending. I miss my dad a lot but I do not miss drinking. I can honestly say I do not miss the taste of that piss. That without anxiety which is my trigger I can’t swallow it. I don’t know if I’ll ever drink again. That my whole past 10 years has been trying to quit something I shouldn’t ever started in the first place but if I got myself into this mess anyway I can get myself out but it came in handy a lot. It came in handy when I was depressed or anxious or lonely or bored especially. And not to mention something deadly somethingI’ve built upon an unhealthy foundation anyway. But I was just piling more on top more shit on top of the shit. But it is kind of funny how one person can change your life and it’s funny he didn’t need a degrading speech or advice or give me advice or tell me what to do to do it it was just timing that I just so happen to quit around the same time we got engaged. But to me he change my life because it’s healthy for once. And it’s not like I’ve been deprived of healthy relationships because I’ve had a few but but there was always that vice that would ruin it. Whether it be alcohol marijuana or video games. Like I always said I would never want to date a pothead or an alcoholic or somebody that plays a lot of video games so why would I? Honestly when you’ve had so many near death experiences and have an of session with that it can backfire and become suicide.And I think that’s what Jesus meant by defeating death and having everlasting life. But if you can defeat the fear everything will be OK. But isn’t it funny how as we grow older God prepares us for death even on her deathbed’s he’s there preparing each individual that no one is left behind although I believe in ghosts. I’ve seen so many but they don’t want to be seen. Well that’s a lie. But after witnessing so many supernatural events I gain some curiosity like a kid again. And all those supernatural events led me on a path do you understand my nature a little bit more. But I don’t want to become a statistic. I didn’t want to become cursed because I already am enough. I think I have witnessed oh most every supernatural experience that you can except evil shit. And no this was before I was a drunk. But not understanding the things that I’ve seen whether it be the spirit world are magic or what have you not understanding my near death experience not understanding death in general and not understanding any of it led me to drink more and think deeper until a-ha a mad scientist moment what occur so I think I was a little bit addicted to those moments like a frustrated scientist drinking until he comes up with the conclusion. And everything I have ever written has someway came true manifested like magic into my future. Metaphorically speaking. But it’s like God’s magic. It’s like I would write a poem and then it would be so much deeper than what I thought so I was a little offended when my dad said that because I always thought deep and I knew I only had deeper to go he may have thrown me and shallow water but I knew how to find the deep end not the rabbit hole. I was always going to learn how to dive. But what drinking allowed me to do is get more in touch with those deep dark hidden thoughts that would arise in order to better understand it and then heal from it and that would explain all the junk and phone calls and those phone calls we’re not a cry for help but they were a cry to make amends and fill in the missing puzzle pieces of my life. Because I know when even the slightest thing changes and I know if I missing something or not. And I will do anything not to become one of those people that have a void to fill. So I know I am not getting married to fill a void or two for fill an emotional need or absence of one and I know that I don’t want to have kids to fill an agenda or a desire and I don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses. So I know I can really dive. And be OK. That no matter how deep I get I don’t get lost there for being a deep person a deep and dark person is not a bad thing. So why are we ostracize why are we laughed at why do they blame the drugs? I didn’t need drugs to learn the alphabet or to read and here I am just getting better at it despite the alcohol and marijuana. So all those who accuseMe of such things without knowing the facts can go to hell. Because everything I did was out of love your love even with the physiological effects it was worth it. I don’t think I’d be spending my time other than working on myself anyway and alcohol and marijuana was just one more obstacle two more easy obstacles. Because I was never really physiologically addicted. I was emotionally addicted to being social and once I cut the stupid act the rest was Easy. So if there is any misunderstandings about my behavior and how you’re so much better than me now fuck you. Your hypocrites. And I can tell you those things never inhibited me to the point of Destroyingmy life. That would be like saying love destroyed my life and blaming my love and that’s just something I can’t do because it’s not a travesty. That I cannot sit sit here and wallow in pain due to my alcohol and marijuana use it was my actions my emotional reactions the fact that I couldn’t control myself and now I have develop self-control but I don’t think I’ll ever drink again. That to be judged and early age when all I was getting was love and wisdom then who are you to judge? It’s mighty arrogant of you. Because first they ridicule you and then they’re doing it too. Just the way it is and how it really has been. And sometimes I would have to drink to go to sleep I had plenty of excuses. But after my dui and going to prison made me think about spending my life in prison and how it was so sad that I could. That I could survive in prison and be fine and be the one that they’re scared of. I was a psycho behind those walls and something smart about those people knew not to fuck with me. But to put it into perspective and say what if they succeeded at framing me and I go to prison for something I didn’t do it which is backfiring their asses and I would rule that place too. But the food kind of made me straighten up and the fact they don’t give you water and the fact that it’s barbaric and worse then Guantánamo Bay. Something is fucky there. But I can honestly say I don’t go there to sober up I went there to learn a lesson that I could do anything. That was always going to be corruption and people to blame it on but is long as you take what you need from it and make it your own that’s all that matters is making it your own.