I remember smoking a lot of marijuana. And I really don’t know why. I had my first panic attack while smoking marijuana and develop severe anxiety which I defeated with yoga and meditation. But I know some of those negative thoughts would not have developed if it weren’t for smoking. That I has far more damaging affects than benefits. I never had to suffer what most drug attic suffer but it did create insomnia and sickness to the stomach. After a while it’s uses were pointless that my dad was right. Sometimes when you drink and smoke you think you’re saying deep thingsAnd so on and so forth but I don’t think my dad ever knew that I was just deep in general that I don’t think the people can handle smoking weed it’s too deep man. Why become shallow when you can be deep? And weed was making me shallow. I really can’t tell you why and I can’t blame anybody and I don’t feel guilty about it but I just know I can’t do it. I know I have way too much to lose to sell out to marijuana. I have two much to lose to sell out alcohol. That the process has been long but I’m finally where I want to be. Sober. Sober in a sense that I don’t need it. With my medication I don’t need it to self medicate anymore. So in a way the medications a blessing because I do not half to harm myself worse just to take away the pain of my mistakes anyway. I remember when I would catch my dad drinking how disappointed I would be and how he was supposed to stop 1 million Times and how he did but he died with a beer beside him. He died drinking Jim Beam. And I drink with him for sometime. It was the one time in my life I said if you can’t beat them you might as will join them the only exception was my dad. And how I got to know my dad a whole lot better that way and how his reaction to it was that of a healthy parent who was just looking out for his daughter but he didn’t even know the half of it. So would stay up all night and drink and listen to music and dance and play games and watch movies and I don’t have anymore. I have no excuse to drink anymore ran out of excuses dry. I’ve been taking advantage of so many times while drunk. And getting raped change my life. Getting raped ignited a dark fire in me And the thirst I could never quench unless I got justice. So there are laid all my worries over to God and he proved to me a lot. So my second DUI came and went and during that fiasco I was pleased brutalized and bruised head to toe not knowing if they were going to rape. Me or not or murder me next. The way that they manhandled me like a bunch of primitive barbaric animals also ignited a dark fire within me to seek justice not for myself but for everybody. The fire was already there they just proved to me they abuse power they abuse everything that they got including the victims. They have no idea me or not or murder me next. The way that they manhandled me like a bunch of primitive barbaric animals also ignited a dark fire within me to seek justice not for myself but for everybody. The fire was already there they just proved to me they abuse power they abuse everything that they got including victims. They have no idea what was going on in my life that made me drink and drive in the first place. Maybe I needed a hospital instead of Bruises. But for grown man the size of monkeys hit me and held me down on the ground until my face was in the gutter and all I could see is my blood running down it. I had to beg them to stop and I lost my voice almost completely which was the scariest part. See I felt no pain once again. And every time I am abused I do not feel the pain. It’s not like I suppress it or become Numb but literally I feel no pain because I don’t deserve to you can call it disassociation or you can call it god. Like a couple of the Instances of my stepdad beating me once with a belt and once with his bare hands I felt no pain even though he was striking me as hard as he could hitting me everywhere and just like when my brother Jumped me and punch me in my head and face over and over and over again I felt no pain. He wouldn’t stop clawing at me and punching me. I’ve been punched directly in the face and still felt no pain just a little sorry for the person. And not to strike back because they must have it worse than I do and I’m better than that. That if I choose to be a pacifist I can be a pacifist. But what I found out is I’m a fighter there’s nothing like a pacifier about me. I’m cool calm and collective but it’s not because I’m being soothed Buy an exterior object. It’s what’s inside me that calms me down even in times of doing the right thing despite my appearance or the law. That from the outside my life may look like it’s in shambles but I always thought things had to fall apart to come back together and then you know it’s real. That I forged my life with my own bare hands and nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing but this mind and the ability to make a plan and stick to it and seeing the fruition and now today I can honestly say thank you I reach my destination in a very timely fashion. That when I set out to heal and break cycles And find somebody real I did not expect all the magic. What I did expect was me succeeding and now I have a smile to prove it. One might think it’s generic but it’s me. Real and Nostalgic.