random old writings
and she described depression as if it was a bright eyed child hovering over her body, asking what went wrong, over and over, again.
Being strong was always one of my my best assets, but these days, it is not contributing to my well-being. It takes my pain and binds it into a a ball, much like wet clay, and molds it into my insides, creating an emptiness where the pain should be. The ball of clay forever lies inside me, collecting more and more blood to weigh it down. What I want is to squeeze it and replace it with the power of peace and forgiveness. I no longer want to fill it with more and more weight. I want to release it. I want to say good riddance. I want to know it’s not me, but it is. It always has been.
This pen is my vein and this ink is my blood
and it drains the life out of me
Is this what I am left to?
memories of night the world mattered?
Every song we breathed quietly to
every revelation we discovered
Every line was a piece of our minds
we were so deeply in tune
Nights in my bed
left days in my head
I don’t have a thought
my mind doesn’t speak for me now
My extremities feel cold
And I’ve become everything
that I lost you to
and the emptiness it implies
All the time.
All I see are lines
and space in between
yearning for my thoughts
i suppose you want words
let me think here, leave me be
quit looking at me
you want my inner beauty
you want all this bottle up hope
Relentless you seem
vaguely calling my name
what do you want from me
My thoughts are floating near an ocean right now
never to be retrieved
in times of need
If they shall follow, I shall wait.
I see your desire to be free, if only you were with me.
A lot goes on without my physical touch the evidence isn’t muchcabinets open, emptiness showsa metaphor for my lack of carenot for you, but for metry and find me, you can shareyou’re all self-absorbedI breathe it like air Laying your angst on my shoulders but you wouldn’t darelearn to make it any better
I’ve found many but they haven’t found me.
Deep within us, we vowed to stray. As we peaked out from our havens, we did nothing but stare. Stared at the repulsion we called life.We thought of only one thing; think happy thoughts is what she would say.As the tone of a phone rang hushed but clear, we were forced to say, sorry friend, we can’t play today.
Although you left
You took much that wasn’t yours
A smile that never faded
A heart that stayed true
Although you didn’t notice
You weren’t attuned to the fact
You’d rather change others
Than give anything back
Smothering me with transparent bodies
Included ways of staying intact
Although you stayed the same
You’ll always have that
Rather receive than give
Is how you dealt the game
Life’s torturing ways of being inferior
A lot of things you couldn’t control
Although you compensated for what you lacked
How does it feel inside,
To know you can never give it back?
Along the thick grass and wild flowers
Along the trail of our desire
We lured each other at a steady but distant pace
You told me to watch out for a dip in the earth
And I let you protect my balance
As if I didn’t know how
We ventured along the sea of open meadows
As we see the silhouettes of our bodies from the night before
Pressing down the tall grass temporarily
I was dizzy but focused on the stars
The moon was perched next to us lighting up our little lives
I told you I could touch it but it would hide
You told me that you had me and I didn’t believe you
But today our view was of a town quiet
Landscapes of a past present and future
we entered an old house and found treasures of a lost soul
abandoned and desolate, scattered and torn
not much different from the lives we knew
you asked me if you had my heart and I said I didn’t know
I locked up the key and threw it out a long time ago
I said if you found a key then you can have my heart
You took my words as truth (as it was so easy to do) and among the sea of abandonment
You found a key I had not seen
A place I thought I gazed with my wandering eyes
Complacent we stood, a little surprised
I never imagined the look in our eyes
And we were certain it meant something real
A concrete object in the palm of my hands
Something I could grasp
To justify the what ifs and goodbyes
We walked out over the boards with protruding nails
Into the meadow we retraced our steps
Halfway back we had no reason to doubt
and gave into a kiss that would validate our capture
And with every misfortune
I gave you my hand
I said the world is cruel and unkind
but what if I was meant to make it shine ?
if not for me than for you
because I don?t believe in anything
if that isn?t true
I cried and said I never kissed anyone the way I kiss him
The tissue kept dry but my tears I couldn’t hide
My heart began over riding my brain months ago
Like a ticking bomb
Red or Blue, I could not choose
Life or death hung in the balance
But it was different because it was only my life
And that life I could spare
I do not have writer’s block I’m just afraid to face what I’ll uncover/find.
I just get the answers mixed up to these stammering questions. I send them off and forget then get the answers when I quit listening.
so easy to forget about me when there’s so much pain associated with you.
nothing more futile than a pain war.
I was nothing to you, but as I examined closer, i realized everything is nothing to you. everything is nothing and nothing is your everything.
you should have seen yourself when the darkness crept in, when you knew it wasn’t me who was going to be like you. always hanging by a thread I was the light that singed you.
I thought you had something of mine, I thought I had to get it back but you never took it and i never lost it. i gave it freely and so I could take it back when needed.
never a causualty/victim, just a girl whose head needs cleared. never a matyr just someone who cares. never self-centered just someone who’s pain had taken control.
i let you win and for so long I wanted in until I realized what happens when you didn’t win.