Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

I’ve Learned; Buried Alive

And I keep imagining

you in your coffin

gaining consciousness

at your most vulnerable

alone, scared, and sad

as if there was something

I could have done

something I could have said

in a prayer

just something different.

This guilt being carried

accumulated for years

started as a child

as you made everything my fault

because I was a woman

you never saw things

as they were

you only saw them

how you were.

Just because you felt hurt

by a woman

doesn’t mean I was the same.

That hurt me at first

made me always blame myself

for things I didn’t do.

When I missed a shot

you said it was my fault

so I began to blame myself for everything

even your drinking

so I drank with you

to ease the pain.

But after all that

in the end

I didn’t see it that way

I never once blamed you

or anyone.

But now as I think of you

I want to bury you up

shovel the dirt until I find you

because I miss you

you let me know

it wasn’t my fault

that I was so talented

beautiful and smart

as you cried

I just knew you cared

despite all the years

of not being there.

I think that’s why I want you back

because you became intact

But something mystical took place

I could see it on your face.

I realized how good you were

and how sweet

that is why you hurt

because you were kind

in a cruel world

so you began to mask it

with other things.

So when I picture you

buried alive

it’s because when you were there

you let me know you cared

you were so strong and brave.

it’s just me

in that coffin

projecting my loss

onto you

and the sadness I feel

and the empathy

that made me cry at night

for you.

Because I could not fathom

the pain you went through

like I felt sorry for you

it’s just an image

keeping you in my mind

I couldn’t save you

so I picture you alive

because at our closest 

you were taken away.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

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