Kerrious

I’m 13,047 years old

The only way to find your purpose

Is to see the end

How many times have i pretended

and for how long

Have i pretended….

Religion is not an excuse to kill.

There was a time when i was a demon. Up all hours of the night hearing things and seeing things that i blamed on someone else but it was just me the whole time. See i am an alcoholic and i had to relive what i am like drunk except spiritually while sober i took it all in and know I’ve seen stuff like that before in people just when they are black out drunk. I black out drunked a lot !!!!!!!!! Demon posses my body but it’s just the darkest part of me.

Being born makes the world a better place

At night i sleep. I sleep really good. But i do not dream like i used to. Where are my dreams and why did they go away. I love dreaming and remembering my dreams the next day. I just sit here and want to cry because something big is happening. There is transformation taking place and a metamorphosis only god can witness. I’ve asked for forgiveness , I’ve repented, I’m the fool. I’m so sorry i hurt myself so many times for far too long. I dread the consequences but all i can is wake up to a new day and go on about my business and stay positive. Everything still hurts so bad, I’m blocked from crying. Something has swallowed my soul or my soul is nothing but strength…..bold.

My soul cries from a distance and has been crying for 7 years straight if you can imagine. I just want to physically cry to get on my knees and thank god for everything but how? Why am i blocked from what i need to do. Why can’t i just cry? Oh the shame.

Well one thing is for sure and that’s the fact i am happy despite my every effort to Sabatoge myself. Over and over for what felt like eternity. I can’t hate myself but i can hold a grudge. Come on, cry….

Oh this writing sucks the life out of me, my blood is this ink, my body this paper, and the smears, my tears. I can’t live in a bubble, under a rock. I can’t live as if i do not suffer and many others as well. I can’t live like i don’t exist. Because i do. I matter and so do you. But for far too long I’ve been told that my life does not matter, let me die, they did. Without a wince. Well here i am and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here waiting…..

I am withered being

Underneath it all

I succumb to depression

My mind goes into dark places

But i can always find my way out

Because my essence is light

But my life has been dark

I embraced the darkness

After all

It was mine to hold

To make better

To heal

Life has a funny way

Of doing things

Because that was before

i knew the truth

And God

If i don’t cry my eyes out

thinking about it

And how far I’ve come

I love so much

But it was taken advantage of

I believe so much

But it was mocked

Oh god

I’m so tired of this world

When i open up

I feel rejected

When i cry

I know no one listening

When i dance

I know no one’s watching

But i can pretend

Someone listens

And someone’ watching

and someone’s accepting

Of me

Well now i have a real life person

Who loves me

just the way i am

But he has no idea

What’s in store

And what I’m working towards

Is a me

Perfected

and he will be the one

Who gets to enjoy it

Much deserved

As I’ve told him everything

About my past

I hate it

I really do

But i can’t change it

But he makes me feel better about it

At least

Maybe he’s listening

Maybe he’s watching

And maybe he’s accepting

Of me

And maybe that’s just what i need

and what i prayed for

I love him

Stop fighting a fight that’s already been won

But it’s not me

It’s him!

You finally get somewhere

When you stop fighting

Stop fighting yourself

People

Things

Circumstances

Stop fighting !

Only in silence

Will i find the answer

And oh how i long

For the end.